lambat (cont')

peristiwa dalam gelap pagi itu..seakan seperti memberitahu diri "You do not own the time. Your last breath could leave you in the next second if He wills it."

at that point, I know I should not wait any longer.

Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang beriman itu ialah mereka yang apabila disebut nama Allah gementarlah hati mereka; dan apabila dibacakan kepada mereka ayat-ayatNya, menjadikan mereka bertambah iman, dan kepada Tuhan mereka jualah mereka berserah. 8:2

and when I realized hati ini bergetar kerana sesuatu selain Dia...
at that point, I know I really should not wait any longer.

rasa mahu eliminate sesuatu, apa pun itu. sesuatu yang memberi rasa - there's something in between me & Allah. sesuatu yang shouldn't be there.

Detaching with those things that I was once so strongly attached to was incredibly hard. Harder than I thought. Semua tu dah sebati dalam diri, sebati dengan hari. So I thought, is it really wrong, if not, then maybe I can just continue my lifestyle with the few changes made. That would be a little easier. I started searching for answers. Was secretly (ok, now it's no longer a secret) browsing through my father's books. Looking for maybe an ayat for al-Quran or a hadith or an opinion of an Imam that would say it's okay to do this/that.

There's none! In fact, I learned that I had successfully created a large complicated mess of mistakes! Condolences to me =.="

tak tahu nak describe perasaan. one word : guilt. one more word: shameful. pada manusia, ya, tapi lebih pada Dia. Dia yang menutup aib-aib hambaNya. Dia yang lihat segala. and from my reading, I learned betapa luas keampunanNya. dan sebenarnya solat itu menghapus dosa yang dilakukan antara dua waktu solat. dan setiap kebaikan itu menghapus kejahatan. dan penulis tak pernah tahu dan tak bother untuk ambil tahu dulu. what's worst than that?

Kakak was the best confidante I could ask for. Alhamdulillah for such a great sister. and Alhamdulillah dipertemukan dengan sahabat-sahabat yang baik.

To change like cold turkey baik dari segi appearance mahupun attitude would require one to be very strong with the ability to retain the strength in order to not fall back into the previous condition. I read somewhere, pengajaran dari the fact that al-Quran diturunkan secara berperingkat selama 23 tahun - drastic change is not advisable and if I'm not mistaken, there's a hadis that says something like kalau berubah secara drastik, tak mustahil akan berubah balik secara drastik.

I chose baby steps towards saying goodbye to the old me. with His kurnia, alhamdulillah, I managed to become who I am today. honestly speaking, in my case, I find that benda yang paling mudah untuk fix adalah appearance. nak make sure attitude, akhlak & ilmu tu parallel dengan appearance, lambat. lambat. sometimes I do find the way I speak etc bukan setakat tak parallel bahkan ada jugak yang perpendicular dengan appearance and of course perp. dengan the way I wish to speak. =.=" terbiasa dengan gaya lama. to break the bad habit, the old 'biasa' way of speaking/handling things or situation, it's like getting rid of chewing gums from clothes. kadang-kadang tu rasa nak self-slap pun ada. sekadar rasa. penulis masih menghargai wajahnya yang, ok mungkin tak perlu tambah adjektif apa-apa. haha

perhaps sebab tu many chose to fix the inside sampai mantap dulu baru fix appearance. and perhaps I'm not much of a patient young lady, I like my appearance now, couldn't wait longer to appear like that and I wish to appear better. while I myself masih perbaiki my penutupan aurat, sebenarnya bila pakai sesuatu yang betul-betul 100% cover semua aurat, ada satu special feeling yang jauh lebih special dari rasa best bila reveal aurat and tabarruj. dulu masa skola, ada satu ustazah yang tudungnya labuh macam kain telekung, agaknya dia ada rasa special feeling bila pakai gitu kot :)

maka alkisahnya penulis mahu fix banyak benda pada masa yang sama, tak mahu postpone mana-mana, entah jadi macam mana lah....