between

Seoul Land, 2012

because I published my previous entry, I believe I must publish this one as well.

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One evening an old man told his son about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “Son, the battle is between 2 wolves inside us all. One is evil - it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, guilt, lies, and ego. The other wolf is good-it is joy, peace, love, serenity, humanity, kindness, faith, compassion, truth and hope.” 

The son asked his father. “Which wolf wins?”  

The old man replied “The one you feed”

that was my sister's fb status few days back. find that a very good reminder to control the emotion. but i guess i accidentally overfed the bad wolf in me which then increased the intensity of the guilt and regret feeling for something that's already over. bygones are bygones.

regarding the previous entry, I talked much of my past. i guess i overlooked this hadis -

“Seorang Muslim itu saudara bagi Muslim yang lain. Dia tidak menganiayanya dan tidak pula membiarkan dia teraniaya. Siapa yang menolong keperluan saudaranya maka Allah akan menolong keperluannya pula. Siapa yang menghilangkan kesusahan seorang Muslim, Allah akan menghilangkan kesusahannya di hari kiamat. Dan siapa yang menutup keaiban seorang Muslim, maka Allah SWT akan menutup keaibannya di hari akhirat.” (HR. al-Bukhari)

syukran, sister, for reminding me. my sister tegur me - while i mention about my past, i might indirectly membuka aib those yang mungkin terlibat sama and as a muslim, as mentioned in the hadis, i should never do that. astaghfirullah, i never had that intention. my bad.

besides that, sister too told me, if i've repented, asked for His forgiveness, insha-Allah, He'll accept and insha-Allah He will tutup aib tentang yang lepas. what happened in the past shall remain between me and Him. that's it. I should not bangkitkan this matter or confess it unless akan membawa kemudharatan and my past...there's nothing important that need to be confessed.

i am somehow reminded of this, something i've read but it happens to be i forgot...my bad, again -

“Seluruh ummatku akan dimaafkan (kesalahannya), kecuali orang-orang yang membuka aibnya sendiri; dan termasuk membuka aib sendiri, seseorang di malam hari melakukan kesalahan, kemudian esok harinya Allah menutupinya, lantas ia berkata (kepada orang lain): Hai fulan, tadi malam saya sudah berbuat begini dan begini. Padahal semalam aibnya ditutupi oleh Rabbnya, maka pada  pagi harinya dia membuka tabir Allah itu atasnya.” (HR. al-Bukhari)

quoted from here  - Menutup aib yang paling utama ialah aib diri sendiri, yang Allah telah menutupinya dan Allah telah memuliakannya kerana merasa bersalah dan merasa malu darinya, iaitu dengan memberi keampunan kepadanya sebagaimana sabda Rasulullah s.a.w. dalam sebuah hadis qudsi yang berbunyi -

"Allah berfirman : Apakah engkau mengetahui dosa ini? Apakah engkau mengenal dosa ini? Ia menjawab, "Ya, wahai Rabb." Sehingga apabila ia telah mengakui dosa-dosanya dan ia melihat pada dirinya bahawa ia akan binasa, Dia berfirman : Aku telah menutupinya atasmu di dunia dan aku mengampuninya untukmu pada hari ini, maka diberikanlah catatan kebaikannya..." (Shahih al-Jami')

masha-Allah. subhanallah.

I believe I should stop talking about apa yang sudah berlalu. Biar simpan dalam ingatan buat pedoman. I think I've told myself that quite a number of times but I end up digging it all back and immerse myself in regret. From now on, I should really stop doing that. insha-Allah, this would be the last time I talk about my past here :) i shall keep it between me & Allah. that's better. insha-Allah.

dear you who are reading this, whoever you are, if i tersalah in anyway, do 'ketuk' me. you are welcome :D

"Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error 2:286

struggle

Alhamdulillah this morning dipertemukan dengan this vid on my facebook wall and alhamdulillah digerakkan hati to click the 'Play' button and listen to this wonderful speech by Wardina despite the fact that she acidentally left her slides at home and not feeling very well due to high fever the day before. This is a must-listen video, tak watch takpe :)

The struggle to become a better muslimah everyday. I believe many are going through this struggle, at different phases, some might be struggling to wear a hijab, some might be trying hard to break some bad habits, some might be dealing with various dilemmas faced as they want to improve themselves. Everyone has their own struggle, everyone has their own story, so do i and so do you.

Had a conversation with a sister yesterday. Yeah, i think i should start calling my  muslim sisters 'sister' because that's who they are kan..? :D She, that wonderful girl with whom I chatted with yesterday, knows almost exactly about my past, how i used to be and how i became worst, the things i am truly ashamed of, things that stays at the back of my head but im not sure if i can ever speak of it and she too knows how i am today. During the conversation, she did mention some of the things I did, the point when I went from wrong to superwrong. The words felt like needles pricking my heart. It hurts to even listen about my superdumb actions back then. Superduperseriouslyundeniablydumb I must say. I was in a relationship back then... but love is pure, love is a gift from God and I don't think that's what we had in our hearts back then. Tak masuk lagi about going back home late at night (or shall I say superduperearrrrrly in the morning), tight jeans, tight shirts, short hijab etc etc. I hardly let go of my past, it kept on haunting me. That regret feeling.

So, this friend, she didn't judge me....she didn't judge.. like at all..*teary-eyed* This is what she said -

"Well, Syaitan always try to make way in every non-halal relationship. It's okay, keampunan Allah itu luas. memory stays...so that we wont repeat the same mistakes dear...If you can easily forget the mistakes, you also will easily repeat them...We are still young... We make mistakes... We have to move on... Dont dwell in our journey... At least you have realised your mistakes... You should be grateful that Allah give you the hidayah."

The conversation then went to about life partners (well, somehow the conversation went thattt way =.=""). Told her, i wonder, if one day i were to be someone's wife, if Allah wills it, how could i confess to my future husband about my past. She then simply said, "just tell him that it's just a stupid immature act. If Wardina can do it, why not you...". And when I said to her "What kind of guy who would accept a girl like me..?". Her answer was simple, "a guy that knows the fact that no one is perfect... And a good guy will acknowledge that without judging you". masha-Allah, I can't thank Allah swt more for those words of hers that was so relieving, like a chicken soup for the soul. And of course, masha-Allah and alhamdulillah for bringing in wonderful people in my life. dear people in my life, each and everyone of you are special :) subhanallah.

Iman increases and decreases. We forget things. We repeat mistakes. And masha-Allah, he still gives us the nikmat and rahmat of being able to say "Astaghfirullahalazim" everytime we did something wrong. Allah has promote kindness in His sifat and in the al-Quran - the al-Quran starts with "In the name of Allah the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate :) Let us all be kind and compassionate towards each other. A reminder for myself as well.

For those struggling like me, may Allah grant us all strength to become a better muslimah everyday :)

korea

 

no, i'm not a fan of kpop or korean dramas etc etc :)

alhamdulillah, He gave me the chance to put my feet on korean ground.

thanks to abg Is & kak Fidah.

thanks to father.

arrived around 5.30 or 5.45 at Incheon Airport.

more pictures on FB :)

N Seoul Tower, Hanok Village, Skadi Ski Resort, Children's Grand Park, Seoul Land, Itaewon.

didn't really come up with a good planning so we kinda missed out some other nice places like Jeju, Nami, Everland, Insadong, Gyeongbok Palace etc etc.

Masjid at Itaewon.

The best place to be at.

Arrived here exactly at Maghrib.

Alhamdulillah after the prayer, there was a small makan2 - Nasi + gulai daging.

Sejenak terfikir...oh how sweet Ar-Rahman ^_^

that must be His indirect 'gift' for us upon our arrival at His place.

masha-Allah

and and...it happens to be at the women's area there's a plastic bag full of children clothes somebody put there for sedekah and a muslim korean lady offered to me some for my nieces.

again alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah...

and oh yea, the muslim korean lady, Maryam Lee :)
masha-Allah, so glad to know her.

after chatting with her then only we know there's Everland. haha

and that one of the best thing to shop at Korea is cosmetics!

all the Missha, Face Shop, Skin Food~

and she asked me "you come here with your husband?"
*that awkward moment. i dunno how to feel*

i just said no and introduced my sis-in-law.

and tadaa, she asked me, "you're not married yet?? how old are you?".

No and I'm 21 :)

kata mama, dah orang korea pun tanya macam tu, takleh la bujang lama2.

hewhewhew :P

bak kata The Bent Pencil, a writer in Terfaktab,

Sebenarnya kalau saya nak memang boleh pun saya kahwin esok. Lusa, tulat, tahun ini, tahun hadapan. Tapi jodoh ni bukan “kalau saya nak”, sebaliknya “kalau Allah nak.”

anyhow, life's not all about finding that missing part...

....but who can deny the yearn to feel and be complete (in that sense). fitrah what.

ah, enuf enuf bout this~ dahh lari tajuk :D

well there's so much more to say, dah tak reti nak put into words..haha..

alhamdulillah, get to capture bunch of beautiful scenery of korean sun and more. 

and nothing more i can say except subhanallah. 

all praise be to The Creator. 

this is such a beautiful photo. sayangnye satu, kak fidah yang jadi photographer.

and ohh lupa nak tulis yesterday...masa dekat masjid there were few other muslim korean ladies.

the best part is bila cakap dengan diorang, they call me 'sister' (fenomena yang seriously jarang berlaku di sini). *hati berbunga-bunga* yaaa, sesungguhnya muslim dan muslim adalah bersaudara :D betapa beautiful Islam itu. betapa beautiful ukhuwwah itu. betapa beautiful perasaaan tertautnya hati kerana faith, kerana sama-sama sujud pada Dia Yang Maha Esa. and regarding the korean sisters,  masha-Allah, their attire, boleh kata so nicely covering the aurah. despite being in a non-muslim country, despite being the minority...masha-Allah. termalu seketika me that time since I had skinny jeans on sebab pakai boots (tapi kira not so bad la (kowt) sebab i had long winter coat on 0.o) but still...that was like a reminder to me - i could've put on something better, memang silap giler attire haritu. kira awesome giler they all, despite smua tu and despite winter season, boleh sajaa pakai something yang labuh and loose. teringat old times, weather malaysia dah sangat alhamdulillah okay untuk put on long loose clothes tapi..pilihan pakaian...=.=""" sumpah malu dengan diri sendiri, dan of course lagi la malu dengan Tuhan. tutup aurah itu paling awesome. dan pakaian yang kira superthebest adalah pakaian taqwa as mentioned in the al-Quran. oh dear self, tolong ingat ye :)

ps - brought contengan jalanan as teman dalam kapal terbang. tetiba rasa teringin nak pergi backpacking macam fend & k2 :D

malam pertama

Queensbay, 2012

1. Draft

Ada a few posts yang ada dalam draft. Banyak mahu diperkata, mahu dicerita. Was planning to complete them once exam has finished but...it seems like perasaan yang ada ketika mana sedang menulis dahulu sudah entah dalam folder mana dalam arkib hati. Besar kemungkinan, sekalipun di-complete-kan tulisan itu akan menjadi soulless... Maka i think it's best to just leave them unborn rather than letting my fingers and the keyboard give birth to words without soul :)

2. Exam

Tanggal 13 Jan. Berakhirlah my kehidupan as seorang pelajar ijazah sarjana muda ***** ******* di Semester 1 Year 1.Harapnya berjodoh sekali sahaja dengan all the subjects, tidak mahu pertemuan kedua dalam exam hall. :P

3. QB 

with ayie, fira-fira (baca macam pikachu menyebut namanya) and hey-there-delilah. 

4. Papa

book-shopping with him yesterday. while we were looking for 2 more books to make the total price around 100, so that boleh guna 2 voucher buku 1 Malaysia, I told him to pick up anything he would like to read, anything. (was browsing for Salim A. Fillah's books but tiada. which bookstore kat Malaysia ada jual his books ya~) what father did was, he picked up this one book and give it to me, saying "Hmm yang ni..?". wellll, my reply was a small laughter while looking at the title, followed by "Okay, boleh jugak...".

guess what's the title - Menjadi Wanita Paling Bahagia. I burst into laughter initially sebab...ok I dunno how to express this feeling, entahlah, perhaps because it's highly unlikely that I would pick that book if I myself were to choose. but then few seconds later, what I felt was tulus keikhlasan seorang ayah yang hanya mahu anaknya bahagia. tulus kasih seorang ayah yang mencinta anugerah ini dalam tawa mahupun dalam tangis. sempurna kasih seorang ayah yang mencinta aku dan segala ketidaksempurnaanku. entah kenapa, rasa kasihnya sesederhana cinta seperti dalam puisi Sapardi Djoko Damono, mencintai dengan isyarat yang tak sempat diucapkan awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada, dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu. 

no matter how big I grow up, I would always be your little girl, father. lantas terfikir diri ini yang sudah meningkat usia. umurku tahun ini ada angka satu, tapi kedudukannya di tempat kedua. mungkin akan tiba suatu masa nanti anak gadis papa ini akan disunting orang. (ye ke?) pada masa itu, agaknya bagaimanalah perasaan papa. bila dengar Saat Lafaz Sakinah by Far-East, rasa tersentuh jiwa. Ya, bagaimanalah perasaan seorang ayah yang menjaga dengan penuh kasih dan cinta amanah dan anugerah, menerima baik dan buruknya, lebih dan kurangnya anugerah dan amanah itu...bagaimanalah perasaannya when he were to hand this anugerah dan amanah yang he jaga so well, as baik as he could, to another man. yeah, to another man...yang dia sendiri tidak tahu mampu atau tidak menjaga dan mencintai anugerah dan amanah yang bernama isteri sebaik atau lebih baik dari dia menjaga anugerah dan amanah yang bernama anak perempuan itu. to another man...yang entah hanya mencintai yang indah pada anak gadisnya dan mungkin mencela kekurangannya. yang mampu dia lakukan hanya berusaha dalam approving atau mencari insan yang akan meneruskan tanggungjawabnya kemudian berbekalkan doa serta tawakkal, menyerahkan amanah itu kepada insan yang diharapnya memimpin anak gadisnya ke syurga. 

Masha-Allah. Syukur, Alhamdulillah, dia papaku.

5. Subuh

Apakah yang lebih indah dari melihat saf penuh dalam solat jemaah Subuh. Sama-sama tunduk dan sujud kepada yang Maha Esa. Sekali lagi penulis duduk di situ, di hujung saf...lalu terimbaulah kembali memori manis Ramadhan yang lalu. Rindu. Jikalau tiada berkesempatan merasa indah Ramadhan tahun ini, harapnya dapat pergi dengan manis cinta pada yang mengambilku kembali. 

Cinta. Salah satu perkara yang dibicarakan dalam kuliah Subuh tadi. Kata Ustaz, Taqwa itu Cinta. Kerana taqwa adalah mengikut segala suruhan Allah Ta'ala dan meninggalkan segala larangannya. Apakah driving force untuk melakukan semua itu kalau bukan cinta. Kerana cinta, manusia hampir willing untuk melakukan segalanya. Not just that, kalau dilihat, for those we love, we would do things they don't ask us to but would totally love it if we do it for them. Small surprises, gifts etc etc. Begitu juga cinta pada Dia, kata Ustaz, those little little things are amalan-amalan sunat, kalau benar cinta pada Dia, tidakkah kita akan menjadi suka memekarkan lagi cinta yang ada dengan amalan-amalan sunat yang disukaiNya? Tidakkah bila kita cinta, kita sentiasa mahu mengambil hati si dia yang dicintai...begitu juga cinta kepada Dia. I find that a very good point to ponder upon...untuk diri sendiri, terutamanya.

6. Malam pertama

semasa browsing for books smalam, papa pointed out one book tentang malam pertama, yang immediately buat penulis terfikir....

apa layakkah aku mengimpikan malam pertama sebagai seorang graduan

atau malam pertama sebagai seorang wanita yang berkerjaya

apa wajarkah aku memikirkan malam pertama sebagai seorang isteri

atau malam pertama sebagai surirumah yang mithali

apa patutkah aku mengangankan malam pertama sebagai seorang mama

atau malam pertama sebagai seorang grandma

sedang....

malam pertama yang paling hampir denganku

malam pertama yang sudah pasti harus ku tempuh

adalah...malam pertama di alam kubur

dan segala amalan di dunia tak menjanjikan bahagia

hanya dengan kurnia rahmatNya, kurnia nurNya..

6 kaki dibawah bumi bisa jadi tempat paling indah.

apakah aku sudah mengimpikan dan cuba mencapai

malam pertama sebagai ruh yang bahagia....

kerana boleh saja jadi malam pertama itu
malam esok...

p/s - tajuk buku yang papa pointed out itu adalah Malam Pertama di Alam Kubur, gabungan hasil penulisan 3 penulis, salah satunya Dr. Aidh al-Qarni.

2012

(Tg. Asam, 2011)

semalam kamu mengintai aku
hari ini aku melihat kamu

dalam mendung langit jiwa
dalam tandus pepasir akal
dibelai dingin angin pagi
deru ombak iman kedengaran
sesekali menghempas pantai hati

aku wujud dalam 1/3153600 dari kamu
andai...
tiada definisi kewujudanku pada 2/3153600
aku mahu pergi dengan penuh cinta
dengan cinta penuh pada yang paling layak

memadaikah itu sebagai resolusi?



notakaki: aku tidak cekap berbahasa penjajah, juga semakin tidak lancar berbahasa ibunda. kritikal.