twenteen

a picture is worth a thousand words.
langkah kaki. lambang hati. jalan retak, berbatu berkerikil.
nothing to do with when, where, how the picture was taken.

tiap kali gambar ini menyapa mata, teringat tentang langkah-langkah sendiri, teringat akan langkah yang pernah diambil, terfikir tentang langkah yang sedang diambil, ter-entah-apa-perkataannya tentang langkah yang akan diambil, teringat bait-bait lagu Nur Malam...

"Hembusan angin bayu pastikan berlalu
Seiring dosa lalu yang membelengguku
Moga semalam jadi pedoman
Dan pengajaran

Langkah kaki kananku
Menyusuri rumah suci
Bermula episod baru
Dalam ketulusan hati

Bila hati menghadap tuhan
Baru kusedar ada kelemahan
Terasa kerdil berbanding Yang Esa
Terharu, terfikir betapa agungnya Tuhan"

28/10/2010 --> 28/10/2011
Satu jangka masa yang menyimpan sejuta cerita :)

Alhamdulillah. mampu melangkah. mampu sampai di mana aku berada. meski bukanlah jauh mana namun bagiku sudah cukup jauh dari posisi lama. masa sudah semakin singkat dan perjalanan masih jauh.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jazakumullah khayr kepada sahabat-sahabat yang mengucapkan, menasihatkan, mengingatkan dan mendoakan penulis pada 'hari mengingati hidup' (as described by cikgu Fadh). insha-Allah, setiap hari adalah hari mengingati hidup.

Ucapan pertama datang dari seorang ukhti. Ukhti yang jauh di mata, jarak merentas garis masa, insha-Allah, dekat di hati.

"Sanah Helwah dear! 19:15. :) tahun ni mungkin tak macam tahun lepas2 (xda prank? jk). tapi diharapnya tahun ni menjanjikan sesuatu yang lebih baik. Insha-Allah. Teruskan berusaha mencari cintaNya. Teruskan istiqamah di jalanNya. Moga husnul khatimah itu milik kita, amin.
Uhibbuki fillah syg!"

ya, kali ni tak ada sebarang 'kehilangan' harta benda ataupun kereta berhias tersorok belakang al-Rafi. namun, tanpa sedar, ketika mata meneliti setiap satu suku kata, terasa seperti air jernih mahu mengalir. masha-Allah. apakah yang lebih indah dari diingatkan kepada Rabb ku, halatuju ku, pada ulang tahun kelahiranku di dunia yang sementara. apakah yang lebih indah dari manisnya ukhuwwah fillah. saat itu, terdetik dalam hati, apalah sangat erti manifestasi cinta manusia yang berpaksikan dunia berlandaskan sebuah perhubungan yang jelas larangannya, yang sebelum ini bisa membuatkan hati berbunga-bunga indah. dan akhirnya, itulah yang ditangisi, itu...itu yang membawa qalbi jauh dari Ilahi.

"Hidup tenang diperoleh jika senantiasa bersama Allah dan Allah hanya akan menyertai orang yang senantiasa membersihkan hatinya"

pesan mama :) alhamdulillah, rencanaNya mengatur pertemuan dengan insan yang kini penulis panggil dengan gelaran 'mama'. the advice was copied from a small cute self-made card by mama. kad kecil yang besar makna. cukup dapat membawa fikiran mengimbau kenangan lama bersama my own mama yang selalu..selalu hadiahkan birthday card berserta ayat-ayat indah dan nasihat buat puteri bongsunya. my mama, yang selama hayatnya, aku meragui kesolehahanku sebagai anaknya. dalam meningkat dewasa, surprisingly banyak perkara yang dahulunya samar menjadi jelas, yang dahulunya kabur menjadi terang, betapa ketidakdewasaan dahulu menjadikan aku aku yang dahulu. dan pada saat ini, masih banyak lagi yang perlu dipelajari. meski kini tak mampu membahagiakannya dengan kudrat yang ada, harap hati mampu tulus berdoa dan harap tulus doa itu mampu membahagiakan mama di sana.

"Be better than the past"

pesanan seorang sahabat lagi. insha-Allah. insha-Allah. diri juga mengharap begitu. kata orang, tiada mustahil terjatuh meski di jalan yang lurus, maka haruslah berhati-hati. mengamati kata itu, rasa takut seumpama menyelinap masuk dalam hati. andai terjatuh ku harap calar sudahlah. usahlah luka parah atau tempang sebelah, khuatir tersenget langkah menuju ke lain arah. teringat pula kata-kata seorang teman - Andai tergelincir kembalilah berlatih walau ia sekadar bertatih. terasa terpujuk rasa takut itu. masha-Allah, tiada satu perkara pun yang terjadi melainkan sudah tertulis di Lauh Mahfuz, meski satu daun gugur, apatah lagi situasi aku mengingati kata-kata itu. subhanallah.
---------------------------------------------------------------

langkah mencari redhaNya,
harapnya terhenti... hanya bila nafas berhenti :)

May Allah guide us all in our langkahs.

touch

00:00

he held my hand

we. we sliced the butter cake.

his hand off mine.

the previous few seconds. priceless.

warkah buat hati

tetaplah disitu..tetaplah

Dearest Heart,

You are closer to me than my own two sides, a Divinely apportioned piece of my very existence, sometimes dark and sometimes alight. You’re with me everywhere I go, a fixed companion, running so deep that sometimes I don’t know where you end and I begin. You can be a seat of spiritual happiness for the one who possesses you; brimming with a light no other vessel can contain, seeing beyond seeing.

And at other times – and in truth, that’s most of the time with me, dear Heart – you can be the very opposite. At those times, you are the hardest company for me to keep.

Bit by bit it started, all by my own doing: weaknesses and heedlessness, blind indulgence and conscious ignorance; brazenly sinning while turning a blind eye to the spiritual illnesses developing within. One sin after another I committed, until you became almost unrecognizable beneath the layers of darkness building up inside. And I kept committing sins even when the pleasure was gone, just because the habit was so deeply fixed. Even when the sweetness became bitter, and the initial charm of the deeds I was committing became stale and repugnant, I continued, seeking to dull the ever-growing pain inside without too much introspection. “A cup I drank to taste its pleasure, and then another to chase its pain.”

I filled you with all manners of worldly things, but the aching and emptiness would not abate. Somehow, I deluded myself into thinking that the wounds would heal by these methods, and that the inner damage – self-inflicted – would somehow come to be repaired on its own. And I forced myself not to care. I lost something so precious when I lost you, dear Heart, beneath the darkness of sins and the choking hold of worldly attachments. I was a tightly closed shell whose pearl had somehow slipped away.

I found myself with pain running so deep, habits so ingrained, a path so steep before me… And heart-less, in the truest meaning of that word. It was hard for me to see a way to turn back. But it’s there: I’ve found it, and it’s time.

Dearest Heart,

I’ve come to realize my absolute need for Allah SWT, down to my very core, and to see where I’ve gone wrong. How foolish to think that a spiritual vessel like you would be satisfied with less than His remembrance. You have taught me the truth of my existence: that without connection to Him, without the happiness of knowing Him and being true to Him, one will feel a painful emptiness, a sorrow, that cannot be filled with anything else.

I’m ready to strip away empty promises and convoluted excuses. I want to walk on this path upright, penitent, aware of my faults but constantly seeking a way back to Him. I need you with me dear Heart, and I pray it’s not too late. I’ll try my best to heal your wounds, and scrub away to your polished core, by His permission, through worship, His remembrance, and His aid. The path ahead is not an easy one and I know I’ll make mistakes, but I hope you’ll keep my company as we travel this road, the road of repentance, together. I will do right by you, God-willing, and you in turn, I pray, will help me reach His nearness.

Sincerely,

Me

copied from here. tidak dapat tidak, mahu simpan warkah buat hati ini disini.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

tengahari tadi...seorang ukht bicara tentang 'berubah'...more or less, katanya, bilamana dititiskan dalam hati rasa mahu berubah for the better, berubahlah, teruskanlah. more often than not, bila Allah kurniakan rasa ingin berubah itu, kita respond dengan "Ok, lepas ni la" dan kemudian Allah hadirkan lagi rasa itu, dan kita dengan response yang sama. dan lagi dan lagi. bagaimana kalau Allah tidak titiskan lagi rasa itu dalam hati...ke mana arah tuju nanti... dan keredhaan Allah, kalau dicari, tentu jumpa, pasti..pasti...Allah akan guide hati itu di jalan yang diredhaiNya...

tanpa sedar, apabila bicara tentang 'berubah', sepertinya akan ada air jernih berkumpul di mata...terkenang cerita lama... besar sungguh rahmatNya, hebat sungguh kasihNya... subhanallah...

يا مقلب القلوب ثبت قلبي على طاعتك

history

taken at tasik fajar harapan

"saya bangga dengan history saya, because I learned from my mistakes".

(someone, 2011)

unbearable

One will never be tested with something more than he/she can bear.

2:286

apakah yang lebih benar dari kata-kataNya.

terfikir...

dari suatu sudut....

so, what is "unbearable"? :)

after a while

my baby jasmine :)

With Age Comes Wisdom

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in midflight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong a

nd you really do have worth and you learn and learn with every goodbye you learn.

-unknown author-

we say experience is the best teacher.
but...isn't everything is preordained according to His order? :)
alhamdulillah for each and every lesson learnt.
the best teacher comes from the Best Provider.
all praise be to Allah swt.

18:10