The Solemnization

Pagi yang pastinya dan ternyata berbeda. I'd be lying if I said there were no jitters. Indescribable, how hopes and fears filled the heart, how one trying to outdo another and the struggle to bring that to balance. Nearly three years and we arrived at this point. Saat sebuah perjanjian bakal termeterai. Saat sebuah amanah bakal beralih bahu. Saat sebuah tanggungjawab baru bakal perlu digalas. Saat sebuah taat bakal berubah. Saat yang haram bakal menjadi halal. Saat kenalan bakal menjadi keluarga. Saat yang mengubah. Saat yang hanya pada Tuhan aku mampu berserah, dalam harap, dalam takut.

Akad nikah was around 11.15 am August 2 2014. Barangkali cuma Tuhan yang mengerti berkocaknya rasa dalam jiwa itu bagaimana. Sitting in the hall, surrounded by dear family and friends, sungguh, tak ada wajah yang berani aku pandang. Tak ada tangan yang berani aku capai pegang. Ada yang bilang, pandanglah dia melafaz nanti. Sungguh, rasa tak termampu. Dan ayah pun mula dengan lafaz ijabnya. Dan dengan sekali lafaz, qabul. 

Entah bagaimana mahu diucap rasanya mendengar nama sendiri setelah 'Aku terima nikahnya...'. Entah bagaimana mahu diucap rasanya, terlafaznya semua itu dengan suaranya dia. Dia yang tak pernah aku sangka dipertemukan a little less than tiga tahun yang lalu. Dia yang tak pernah aku sangka akan bersila disitu, menggengam tangan ayah, mengambil sebuah amanah. Dia yang tak pernah aku sangka, akan aku setuju menjadi untuknya perempuan itu - seorang isteri.

And little did I know, lafaz penyerahan oleh wali itu ada. 

"Adalah saya dari saat ini menyerahkan tanggungjawab nafkah, perlindungan, keselamatan...". Ayah ucap satu persatu dan bicaranya terhenti disitu dan suaranya tak lagi setenang, saat menyambung "...kasih sayang dan tanggungjawab agama Islam kepada kamu sebagai suami yang sah". Sekali lagi, barangkali cuma Tuhan yang mengerti bagaimana rasanya dalam hati saat mendengar ucap ayah.

Kata teman, I was expressionless. Ketawa juga aku dengar. I think I know I was expressionless but the mind just lost the ability to decide an expression throughout the solemnization. Sungguh, di balik wajah yang tak punya ekspresi itu, ada resah yang tak termanifestasi, ada gelisah yang tak terkhabarkan, ada gembira yang tak terlahirkan, ada gementar yang tak terceritakan, ada sebak yang tak terzahir, ada tangis yang tak terlepaskan. 

Alhamdulillah. Shukr lillah. Dan jazakumullah khayr buat semua yang membantu directly or indirectly. Sampai saat ini, sudah 45 hari and counting. And me, I'm still very much learning, well I guess, forever will be. Tak ada yang lebih didamba melainkan redha serta bimbingan Dia, redha serta bimbingan dia, restu dan nasihat kedua ibubapa, doa serta tunjuk ajar dari siapa sahaja. Sungguh, cukup perlu, setiap semua itu.

Dan itu.
Salam pertama.
Dan moga salam-salam seterusnya penuh cinta, sepenuh cinta salam pertama bahkan lebih lagi.

The Journey

 "Rabbi, bila aku jatuh hati, aku ingin terbang cepat, hingga syaitan tak sanggup hinggap."

-Salim Fillah-

September 2011

Life is full of surprises. Yang pahit-pahit, yang indah-indah. Adakala kita dikejut dengan hujan saat menyangka mentari kan bersinar terang hingga ke petang. Adakala kita dikejut dengan pelangi indah dalam rintik yang kian terhenti saat menyangka hujan tadi kan jadi lebih lebat hingga banjir yang tak tertanggungkan. Analogi pelangi is so yesterday yet it still holds true. The approximately 10 months break after deciding not to fly to Aussie (and to pursue my degree locally) treasures a number of unexpected moments. And one of them was being introduced to my then-fiance, now-husband. Virtually. Because we were on different continents back then. It was September 3 when I first know his full name.

We were introduced with the serious intention of a proper matchmaking. I didn't see that coming. He wasn't "searching". And we're both basically complete strangers being suggested to marry each other. Somehow, we both agreed to get to know each other. IOW, taaruf :) Basically, I got to know him roughly through his teacher who introduced us. And as for him, I thought the best way for him to know me was through kakak. Yep, kakak, the one who knows me as good as arwah mak. I wanted him to know me more than just the surface, I wanted him to know beyond my bright side. So things pretty much went that way until July 2012 when we kinda need to get in touch with each other directly.

July 2012

The first time we met. I couldn't think of a better setting than my house, where there were dear father, Abang Is, kak Fidah, the kids and atuk. And thus it was the first time dear husband first met me along with my family. Pertama kali bertentang mata? Aha..tak tertentang.

That was then followed by family visits during eid.

My nieces were the most excited about all this. They were like - 

Maksu, tu sape, boyfriend maksu ke?

Maksu, tunang maksu ke?

Definitely neither. Then I get -

Maksu suka kat dia?

Dia suka kat maksu?

Maksu, maksu kawen la dengan dia...

Kakak rasa maksu dengan dia sesuai la...

Siapa setuju maksu kawen dengan abang Faiz, angkat tangan!

The first time we went out together was some time after raya 2013. That was with kakak, Abang Ridzwan and the kids.

August 2013

Level up! We got the green light from family and the not-so-planned risik was on August 15. And me? I was at almost my cincai-est state. Made way home from KL not-so-early in the morning. Went for a short vacay to Melaka together with kakak and family, abang and family, paksu and maksu plus mak uda and kids. Dropped by Aunt Foon's shop in Taiping on the way and finally reached home more or less an hour lebih sikit maybe before husband and family's ETA. Pretty much didn't have or most probably couldn't think of what's best to put on myself with very limited time to get ready....and so that explain the cincai-ness of my appearance. Make-up? What make-up? Catch a few glances dekat cermin sempat lah :P

This was cincai kira, 2 years from when we first knew each other. Unfortunately I couldn't recall when he sort of proposed directly. Teehee~ And 2 years. Well they don't slip by like a wet fish slipping from the hand. So much things could've happened in one day, what more 2 years. He was in UK and I was in Malaysia. I think I can count with 1 hand how many times we met prior to risik. Calls? There weren't any calls for no dire need detected. Haha. Kakak je used to call him. Anyways, I'd rather not go on details but 2 years were enough for uncertainties and fears to scare, for doubts to haunt, for misunderstandings to chip in, for other options to be considered. I prayed for signs and I believe they were given. At times I don't feel quite sure with everything, my favourite quote for self-reminder was

"You constantly look for a sign and when it's given to you and you don't like the answer, you call it a coincidence. There are no coincidences." -Iain S. Thomas-

Indeed, there are no coincidences. Kalau sehelai daun yang jatuh ke bumi pun tidak lain tidak bukan kerana takdir Tuhan atasnya, apatah lagi bigger things in life. Things happened and it seemed like everything just led me back to him and we, biiznillah made it that far - risik.

January 19 2014

Loved the chocolate cake!

Officially engaged, biiznillah :) 

Was supposed to be somewhere in Pahang pricking some people's finger to test blood glucose during this time. The date picked clashed with my baktisiswa Pahang and adjustments seemed highly unlikely to be possible. I guess I have to be where I can't be replaced. As for him, he was nun jauh di Bintulu sana.

March 2014

June - August 2014

Post-exam cum The Bachelorette day-out. Thanks to the owner of the hands holding the forks and knife.

The second time we went out together. Was for fitting session at the bridal boutique. That was with dear father.

Of applying to pejabat agama, husband was lucky enough tak kena interview. He was in a rush too masa tu. Can't cuti long enough to settle everything and it's costly to come back to semenanjung often. As for me, can't lari from interview. Study few minutes before pergi pejabat agama and end up dengan penuh confident (dalam nervous tak terkata) dan lancarnya jawab rukun nikah ada empat - pengantin lelaki, pengantin perempuan, wali, saksi. Alhamdulillah that pakcik didn't fail me :D

Of telling Ecah & Dali about the interview.

Around before Ramadhan, someone came back for a short break from NZ to be with her family sekaligus to spend some time together with me during my last single days. Dear you, that means a lot :)

Dua hari prior to nikah, went to lepak pekena teh madras with Cila. 

Of preparing for wedding, quoting dearest Cila - 

"dia la pengantin wannabe paling relaxxxxx relaxxxxx sngt. Aku hat kalot lebih."

Preparing wasn't easy. Wished late mother was around but she's definitely somewhere better insha-Allah. All praise be to Allah, I can't be more thankful to all those who have been a big help throughout the preparation. I dare not mention names and contributions. I know and Allah knows better and He's the best I could ask to repay each and everyone's kindness.

August 1 2014
Kakak's arrival from Florida. After weather and flight issues, though delayed, alhamdulillah, kakak safely arrived with Zach.

August 2 2014

Biiznillah, the solemnization.

This ought to be written about in a new entry :)